Understanding The Journey of Healing
By Angela Mutiso
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2a: “For everything, there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die…” All of life has a beginning and end. We can rest in the fact that God has created both.
‘He prayeth best, who loveth best. All things both great and small; For the dear God who loveth us, He made and loveth all.’ – Samuel Taylor Coleridge
While scanning the obituaries, we were startled to see a picture of a monkey listed among the departed. It immediately caught our attention, as it is such an uncommon occurrence. Yet there it was— a fair-faced monkey with piercing eyes. Everything was there: name, date of birth and death, all the typical details. It left us wondering: what could have prompted the owners to make such an unusual gesture? But who knows how they related? Anyone who has experienced grief understands its weight. It doesn’t have to be a person—grief, in any form, is still grief.
Losing a loved one is one of the most challenging experiences a person can endure. Coming to terms with the fact that someone you’ve known for so long is gone forever, or a situation you thought would never change has changed, can often be incredibly overwhelming and hard to accept.
Grief is an intense emotional response to loss, and it is something we all experience at some point in our lives. Whether it is the death of a child, a spouse, a friend, a parent, a pet, the end of an affair, or the loss of a job, it is a difficult situation to manage.
Bereavement is tough because it deals with the most vulnerable aspects of human feelings: attachment, identity, love, and a total absence of what was. If it is the loss of a human being, it is made more poignant by the knowledge that you will never see that person again. Besides, the passing away of someone creates a void that can’t be filled because in most cases,it makes those left behind, feel powerless, helpless, and in shock.
Comforting the bereaved
In a recent feature titled – 11 things to say when someone dies besides ‘I’m Sorry”, Time magazine notes that it is difficult to get the right words to tell someone when they have lost a loved one. It quotes Katie Cosgrove, a death doula and grief coach. She observes that it is not easy to summon any words when someone dies, adding that …as a society, we are uncomfortable with death and grief. We are not very open to talking about it. She cautions against using the age-old cliché that “time heals all wounds” pointing out that “Grief doesn’t ever go away; it shifts and changes, but does not leave us.” They spoke to Cosgrove and other grief experts about handling grief. The overarching advice here is that; you shouldn’t tell someone you know exactly how they feel because people handle death differently. Share good memories of the deceased and listen to the bereaved.
When consoling a bereaved person, you could tell them; I’m so sorry for your loss; There are no words, but do know I’m here for you, ready to listen whenever you need me, and if there is anything I can do, please do not hesitate to ask; you are not alone; Sending you love and strength; My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.
How do people cope?
People have intriguing ways of dealing with grief. After her husband died, Jennie, a primary school teacher, left most things in their home untouched – for a year, as if expecting him to return. Her sister, on the other hand, after losing her 12-year-old son, took in Juma, a boy around the same age. Juma, the orphaned child of her late friend, filled the void of her son’s empty room, helping her cope with the loss. Lucy, who lost her mother 18 years ago, explains that although many years have passed, no pain has been greater than losing her. For Verangie, the loss of her beloved dog, Chester, has been a profound source of grief. He was not just a pet; he was her intelligent and caring companion, always in tune with herhabits and emotions. Verangie observes; “Chester brought excitement and joy to my life, and his absence leaves a void that words can scarcely capture. I find solace in the loyalty and companionship he taught me.”
Tips to cope with grief
While everyone experiences grief differently, some steps can help you manage the emotions and begin the process of healing.
It is advisable to let yourself go through the sadness and anger or solitude that comes with grief. Suppressing these feelings can prolong your anguish. Here are a few suggestions:
- Sharing your thoughts with those close to you or your counsellor can help you emotionally.
- It would help if you always have people around when you are feeling low.
- Loss can interfere with your routine. So, retain your old routine as much as possible. Remembering this helps you bring back some control and normalcy, which can keep you sane in difficult times.
- Also, eat well, sleep well, exercise, and interact. Grief can sap your energy, so caring for your body can stabilize your mental health.
- Honoring the memory of the lost can help you heal. You’ll feel good about it, and it will keep your spirits high.
- When someone talks to you about their grief, listen to their story with empathy, without interjecting. Allow them to express what is in their heart until they feel comforted.
- Support them with work they may find overwhelming at home and let them know that grieving takes time.
- Encourage them to see a counsellor if coping is a problem.
Several factors, determine how people react to grief; like their relationship with the deceased, their emotional strength, their personalities, worldview, and their past experiences with loss. Some people can manage their emotions and adjust faster, while others may struggle for years.
You’ll notice that those who have not grieved for long have devised coping methods. This is not to say they are not feeling the pain of loss; they may be taking it in privately in ways that are not visible.
Conversely, continued grief may be a sign that a person is finding it difficult to accept the loss or is holding on to guilt, regret, or undefined feelings. This can result in what is known as “complicated grief,” where the person remains stuck in a cycle of mourning for a long time.
How do you move on?
It has been stated that the passage quoted at the start of this article (derived from Ecclesiastes) presents seven pairs of opposites; symbolizing the stages of human and spiritual growth—from birth and death to love and hate, war and peace. Both ends of each spectrum are necessary for our creative and spiritual fulfilment. We must accept all aspects of life, not just the positive, to fully realize our spiritual truth.
Back to the point… years ago, a doting mother lost her son through a road crash (he died while he was away on holiday). When this happened, he had just finished a long course at a Medical College and was taking a well-deserved break before starting a new job as a doctor. She made it clear that she did not want to get over it. Her decision took many aback.Experts explain that grief is something you learn to live with, as it is not something you can easily overcome.
It is worth noting that finding personal meaning or purpose after the loss can help create a way forward, as can talking about it. Bottling up emotions makes it harder to move on while opening up helps. Don’t forget that you still have a future, so try to focus on the present and future because you have to get on with your life; mourning is acceptable, but do not disconnect yourself from the rest of the world and people. Start interacting as soon as you can do so. Linking up with people who have experienced similar losses can be helpful too.
Do not to be overwhelmed by grief. Allow it instead to teach you and to mould you into a more empathetic and courageous individual. With positivity, you can emerge from the shadows of grief, and step into a brighter, hopeful future.
Grieving is a deeply personal journey, but you can move forward by understanding the process and taking deliberate steps toward healing. Helping others through their grief calls for patience, empathy, and support. Creating space for yourself and others to process loss can make the road to healing clearer over time.
Finally, try to navigate smoothly both the celebration of a well-lived life and the grief of loss.
The writer is the Editorial Consultant of the Accountant Journal.
